The woman I was in a relationship with didn’t identify within the LGBT community and wouldn’t have said she had an attraction to women. My persistence was born out of an infatuation, as happened to me with female peers occasionally. It’s hard to explain because it wasn’t always romantic, but more like a desire to have someone like me more than they liked anyone else. Women, in particular, can have these enmeshed friendships even without it turning into anything romantic/physical. I describe how it became what it did as the perfect storm of our issues. Both with legitimate needs we were willing to have met in an unhealthy way.
Can I call it love? It felt like love. I’d never had a mutual attraction/relationship before. It was intoxicating. You think you cannot live without the other person. It was a jealous obsession and possession. It was everything I’d watched on TV shows and movies and made my idol.
Did it meet the Biblical criteria? Love is patient, kind, it doesn’t envy, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud, isn’t rude, isn’t self-seeking.
The gaping hole in our love: self-sacrifice. Neither of us was interested in protecting the other from sexual immorality. Even without the gender question, what about outside of marriage? Taking something sacred from someone who you have not committed your entire life to, forsaking everyone else?
I never stopped believing God was who he said he was, or believed was we were doing was moral, the Bible seemed as clear as always. I just wanted my legitimate needs met in whatever way possible and she became my god. The problem with our false gods is that while you put everything on them, they feel no allegiance to you. False gods always fail you and your cries fall on pretend ears.
The Bible talks about this kind of intimacy as hot coals. In a fireplace, great. But can you pull them into your lap and not get burned? I got burned all right. The most unique painful experience I’ve ever had, when it all crumbled before me.
Do Better Theology 